DEAR FUTURE HUSBAND…
I’m a queer, lesbian, biracial (Chinese & Polish), first generation LGBTQ+ and Equity Consultant and Spiritual Organizer. I am committed to the work of LGBTQ+ affirmation at the intersections of equity, spiritualty, and sexual and mental wellness.
I have my own experiences being raised in a small, conservative town off of Cape Cod, where our sex ed almost exclusively “fulfilled” by a visit from the D.A.R.E. police officer coming in full uniform to scare us about our brains on drugs and our genitals on STIs. The Horror! Don’t Do it! These “lessons” complete with visual aids that haunt me to this day, though that had no bearing on my actions, and as a queer lesbian young person, they simply weren’t useful.
My other “teacher” for sex ed growing up was the Catholic Church. At 15 I was attending “save yourself” retreats where dashing young boys came to tell us their tales of how they are saving themselves for their future wives, how they forgive her even though she’s “made a mistake” in the past because she’s changed her mind. How we can be like her, if we were only willing to wait. I wrote letters to my future husband at that retreat which I would do anything to be able to find today. I can picture now my queer friends and I giggling over my “Dear Future Husband” promises.
The thing is, I heard the message loud and clear, and I was all too willing to comply. Don’t have sex with boys? Penises are dirty and they ruin your sacred purity and they cause diseases and make you pregnant and ruin your future? I KNEW IT. What they didn’t mention, not once, was any dangers of being with girls.
I never saw myself in any sexual health messaging, never learned about identity or connection to my body, other than the fears that would likely happen if I “let” some boys ruin my future and my figure, along with my worth (ie. purity.)
The work I do now in sexual health advocacy centers around QTBIYOC (queer trans Black Indigenous youth of color) and reimagines what education can look like when we educate young people about the many ways there are to grow into our bodies, to connect with ourselves, and to build connections with others. I teach a virtual workshop on “Building Consent-Fueled queer and trans-affirming relationships” for youth, and founded House Of Our Queer (HouseOfOurQueer.com) for queer and trans adults that bridges spiritual offerings with sex positive education. I created Kinky Confessionals as a space for LGBTQ+ folks to share (and release) shame they’re carrying for their desires and for being who they are.
-Bex Mui, she/her